Stuck in a never ending pit of sin.

I envisioned this blog to be full of jokes to hopefully brighten some random reader's day but now, I guess not. If there may be any retarded soul hoping to chance on a joke here, leave.

Life's been all but great since the start of J2. Stress. Pressure. Expectations. I suppose that should explain the deadness of this blog. No more jokes this year. Whatever happened to abundant overflowing joy? Crap.

Spiritual deadness. Starved and decomposing soul yet I feel even more unwilling to do anything about it. Frustration. On Sunday, specially invited pastor(whose name I can't pronounce let alone spell), talked about some people in his home church who see church as some sort of a petrol station. He joked that that doesn't happen in our church but nah, that people is me. CYL's right, aren't you afraid that you'll be that one that drag's the church, the Joshua generation down? When that happens they'll just get rid of me all together. Week after week, Sunday after Sunday I drag my sorry ass to church hoping sth would stir in me to change. I "step out in faith" for alter call but the more I do the more it just seems like empty steps cause I'm still in the sorry state I am. Pastor said if you don't come here with the right heart for God, don't come at all. I wish things were that simple. Duh I'd do that if not for the existence of HH or XR whose ramblings I'd have to painstakingly evade, or the younger ones whom I feel obliged to set an example for. Now I'm just an empty being in a sea of thirsty souls. Wth.

Day after day I unwilligy force myself to do qt. Sometimes it works and I think well force is a start from my obviously deadened heart. But who am I kidding, it didn't work cause now my qt book is stuck on 2nd mar. Failure.

I read ET's blog and that really encouraged me. To see how God has been so amazing and graceful to her. But why, I feel encouraged yet I want to do nothing to experience what she did. I'm not thristy. I don't even want to be thirsty.

HH I'm sorry. I don't want this to happen but I let stress engulf me to the point I just don't want anything anymore. Time should just stop to let me slip away. Silently so no one else in my life will be affected. I know it's your job as a CL to push us to go for church stuff but I can't go on anymore. Not like this. Just stop please. I don't want anymore of this.



To this God almighty: If you're still there(which theoretically the answer should be yes) and if there is still any hope left, for you to decide to pick me up(again theoretically yes) can I beg you, strengthen me. When will I again know in my head and even more certainly in my heart, soul and spirit that you are there?